Conversations for Couples: Part 1

The first step of mastering your money as a couple is all about conversation, so let’s start talking. This multi-part series is geared toward having you talk and learn about each other and identify where any difficult money topics for each or both of you might lie. It will be fun.

Taking a step back to think about how both you and your partner approach money will help you through the rest of your lives together. No two people think about money exactly the same way, and those differences can both help and hurt your money and your relationship down the road depending on how you choose to approach it together.

In addition, it’s easier to start talking without numbers, especially if it’s your first time talking money with each other and going deeper. Even if it’s not your first time having this talk, this step back can provide a useful foundation to guide you through your financial lives together.

Everyone has their own money story—how you developed your own background and attitudes toward various aspects of money. These stories shape how you think, feel, and act toward money. It’s important for each of you to understand both your own and your partner’s money stories as the foundation on which all your financial goals, decisions, and lives will rest. This is your chance to share these stories together.

You can start with the following prompts and phrases all related to money. Each money story topic is followed by a question that represents two ends of the spectrum around that topic. Each of you should answer where you fall on that spectrum and why. These prompts are general and reflect how you each think about money across a range of money-related topics.

Talk about each topic one at a time with each other and take notes. Think about how your partner approaches a topic versus how you might answer the same question. How are you similar? How are you different? How might this inform the rest of your merging process and the rest of your financial lives together?

Before you start: Note that there’s no room for judgment or conflict here (there’s plenty of discussion and room for that later). It’s not about attacking spending or saving choices. For now, just go in with the goal of understanding where and how each partner has a different life and money background, and allow yourself to take a step back to identify your more holistic relationships with money. Everyone has something different to offer, as well as different strengths and weaknesses, so be kind.

Pro tip: Keep your conversations short. It’s better to take twenty short conversations to work through the questions, with small wins coming in each time, than to have just two long conversations that end badly. It can often be so much easier for people to keep their cool and be “on” for a serious conversation like this in short bursts.

Money Stories

Each of these prompts represents two ends of a spectrum for how you might feel about the topic. There’s no right or wrong answer. There’s only how you feel. It’s both possible and probable that you might fall into the middle of the spectrum for some or many of these topics.

Try to think about any pieces of your money story that might be helpful for your partner to know. These questions are a fantastic place to start getting to know your partner on a deeper money level. While you may already know some of their answers, others may surprise you.

Please review the following questions about your money story and discuss them with your partner: 

●      Debt: Would you like to get rid of it ASAP or you don’t mind owing money such as student loans or a car loan? What’s your history with debt? What about different kinds of debt? Has your attitude changed over time?

●      Insurance: Do you prefer to self-insure or to insure all you can? What types of insurance do you think of here, and do you feel differently about any of them? (For reference, common types of insurance couples might consider are health, dental, and vision insurance, auto insurance, homeowner’s/renter’s insurance, life and/or disability insurance, and liability umbrella insurance.)

●      Financial independence: Do you want to work forever or would you stop tomorrow if you could? Would you want to keep working at your current job/industry for a long while or quit as soon as possible? What does financial independence /work optional/retirement mean to you? What would you be excited to do instead of your current job? Do you know?

●      Career: Are you someone who wants to plan out your career or would you rather just see where it takes you? Do you have your next moves planned? Do you see yourself at your current job for a year or five or more? What are some of the next possibilities for you?

●      Company/individual stock: Do you want to keep it all or get rid of it right away? Do you have any stock in individual companies and/or in your current/previous company? How do you feel about your company’s prospects? Do you feel like all your eggs are in one basket or does it only represent a small portion of your money?

●      Building wealth: Do you prefer to take a slow and steady wins the race approach or go more high risk/high reward? What does the phrase “building wealth” mean for you? Does it even feel possible? Or do you feel like you already have wealth or are already there?

●      Stock market: Does the stock market feel like a risky, scary place, or is it where you build wealth and you have to be there? What’s your knowledge level and background here? What does “stock market” mean to you? How do you feel about that?

●      Standard of living: Do you tend to spend all your money coming in or do you live below your means? What do you love spending money on? Do you track your spending at all? How does that currently work for you? How do you feel about your spending?

●      Saving: Do you tend to save as much of your money as you can or do you try to never think about it? How do you currently approach saving? Where do you save and why? Is it automatic or manual? How do you feel about your savings?

●      Children: Do you try to give them everything or to make sure they stand up on their own? Is this question relevant for both of you (do you have kids or plan to have kids)? How much support do you see yourself wanting to give them, and what is your reasoning?

●      Taxes: Are taxes a major concern for you each year or do you never think about it? Has this changed over time? How do you normally prepare your taxes?

Congratulations on finishing discussing your money stories! How did that go? Did you learn anything new about your partner? Did you find you were on the same page or different pages for any particular topic? How might any of these discussions and discoveries inform your path forward and financial lives together?

Looking for more financial advice? Check out what services and programs Momentum offers or schedule a free intro chat with Sarah!