Conversations for Couples: Part 2

These questions will now expand on your money stories and focus more on how you each grew up with money, how you each feel about the other’s attitude toward money, and how you both envision the future for the two of you as a unit.

The questions are divided into sets, each set building on the previous sets. You should discuss at most one set per conversation, with each of you answering each question. The goal is to understand more about each other’s money backgrounds and to identify any sticking points that you can work through later. It’s okay to leave topics unresolved in each conversation. Money is a difficult topic, and these conversations are a solid first step.

Please discuss the following topic areas with each other.

Set 1: Growing up

●      Describe an early money memory. This can be any memory you think is relevant—general or specific, early or late in childhood. How do you feel about this memory? What does it make you think of? For example, one client remembered her mom at the dinner table paying bills, while another remembered buying a treasured doll after saving her allowance.

●      How was money handled in your household growing up? What was paying bills like? What about saving, spending, and other money activities? Did you have visibility into any of these? Who was responsible for handling each? Was money discussed with you at all?

●      What were your parents’ money attitudes? How did they each approach money? Were there any similarities or differences to call out? Were they satisfied with their money roles? Did their roles change over time? How did you feel about them?

●      Describe your attitude toward money now. Has it changed over time? Is there any part that was formed by your early money experiences? “I still feel anxious about spending money after feeling how tight money was growing up,” said one client. Another told me that she liked to shop when she was feeling stressed, and she was frustrated that it felt like money just slipped through her fingers even though she made good money, just like it did growing up.

Set 2: Your Partner’s Relationship with Money

●      What is something you admire about how your partner handles money? Is there something that they do, how they feel about tracking, or what they prioritize that you like? Is this a practice you both share or you wish you could emulate?

●      What is something you don’t understand about the other’s relationship with money? Is there something money-related you haven’t talked about before? Or maybe there’s a method you would prefer that is different, and you’re curious about the back story or the rationale behind it.

●      What is your philosophy around spending and saving? Do you tend to plan far in the future or are you more spontaneous? Have you thought about this before? Do you track your spending/saving at all, and, if so, how often do you think about it? How do you prioritize the different day-to-day trade-offs when deciding how to spend or save?

Set 3: You and Your Partner in the Future

●      How do you show your commitment to your relationship with your partner in general (not just with money)? Are there any ways that are not important in how you show commitment? What’s important to you here? (Take this as a twist on the love languages concept, which is five distinct ways that people express and receive love differently.)

●      How do you each plan to contribute to your relationship with your partner, now and in the future? Is money a part of that? What possibilities or phases do you foresee in your relationship regarding this?

●      What are your big life goals, and how do you anticipate money playing into those? (We’ll talk more about goals later; you can treat this question as a preview or introduction.)

Set 4: Transitions and Time

●      Do either of you have any upcoming transitions such as supporting aging parents or financially supporting a dependent sibling? Any explicit life or financial goals? Which ones have you talked about with your partner already, and which have you not discussed as much yet?

●      How would you like to spend the next three years? This question also aims to get at your goals from a spending-time perspective and also adds a focus to the near term. What goals will you accomplish or what progress do you aim to make in this time?

●      What, if anything, do you feel is holding you back in your life/financial life? Which money aspect are you most excited to focus on or learn about in the near term?

You’ve just worked through a ton of questions and put in a lot of emotional work with each other. I hope you’re enjoying the wine and giving each other high-fives right about now.

Let’s debrief on the exercise:

●      How did each question or exercise feel to answer? How did listening to each of your answers make you feel?

●      Any revelations?

●      Anything surprising or unsurprising?

●      What pieces of those conversations will you take away as you move forward through the book and your financial lives together?

Couples will often have completely different money stories in some areas and be quite aligned in others. It’s fine if you don’t feel the same way your partner does on almost any particular money story. I’ve had couples where one person feels quite knowledgeable and risk tolerant toward the stock market and building wealth but doesn’t track their spending and spends almost everything, while the other partner doesn’t feel as comfortable with the stock market and wants to save everything the two of them bring in. I’ve also had couples who both love their jobs and want to keep working forever but tend to worry about the stock market or reaching financial independence one day just in case.

No matter where you two fall, you are better partners for having walked through the questions together.

Looking for more financial advice? Check out what services and programs Momentum offers or schedule a free intro chat with Sarah!